He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
