those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
