Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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