I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
