If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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