Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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