Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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