Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
How external is "for external use only"?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
