Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
