This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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