home. puking in laundry basket.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
