Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
