the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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