he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
