the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
