Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Randomize
