Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
