Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
