As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
