watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
