I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
