Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
