If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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