i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
