I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
