They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
