Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
