Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
