Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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