Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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