she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
