Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
