I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
my liver is dry heaving
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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