My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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