i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
