my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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