Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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