I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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