you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
