genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
