Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
