its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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