this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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