Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
