Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
