You just made me feel so damn special
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize