Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
FUCK WHALES
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