I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
