WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
