fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i already hear my dad disowning me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He passed out mid-signature
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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