Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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