Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
