I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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