I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
