I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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