why didn't you poke me back
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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