I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
