How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
