Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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