He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
