im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
