i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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