I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Less talking, more tequila
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize