is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
