we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
