I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We had sex on a dog bed..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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