biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
